For years I have been trapped (by choice, even though I knew it was wrong) by the same habitual sin, it felt like no matter what I tried to do I was stuck. It's a life draining, joy stealing, marriage destroying sin that seems to be a plight to so many people from all walks of life.
I am sure you figured out exactly what habitual sin that is in those first two lines of this post, but if you haven't, it's the sin of sexual immorality. While my depth of my sin may not be as deep as others it is still a sin against my body (and not just mine but my Wife's too because we are one flesh Gen 2:24) (1 Cor 6:18). I knowingly and willingly allowed myself for years to wander the internet aimlessly with the complete awareness that doing so would lead to something that I really shouldn't do, I willingly searched, scrolled, clicked, and watched the things that I knew in my heart was wrong but continued to do anyway. Even worse, until recently when I was listening to the Marriage After God podcast's episode on Pornography, I did not acknowledge that I loved it (thank you Aaron Smith for pointing that out) because I did, why else would I keep going back to it? I was committing adultery against my wife, and bringing a darkness to our marriage, all because I was selfish and loved the rush and feeling that it brought.
The worst part about it, I wasn't running from it! In fact it was something that I ran to when I was feeling disconnected from my wife, and because of my running to it the disconnect became worse. Sin that we try and hide has a way of doing that, it has a way of making us think that it's only an every now and then thing, that it's something we can run to when we need to cope with whatever bad things are going on in our life at that moment. Yet it is the bad thing that is probably causing the things that we are trying to cope with, it's a choice made (the wrong choice) instead of doing what should be done and that is spending time in God's Word. Instead of filling up on His word, the everlasting truth, time is wasted drinking from a poison well that will only lead to death.
The worst part about it, I thought that I was in control, when in reality it was controlling me. Looking back now after beginning my journey of purity and walking in God's word, I see the lies that I told myself and I am beginning to very clearly see how the addiction damaged me, spiritually, mentally, and physically. Not only did it damage me but it damaged my relationship with my wife, because no matter how much we want to believe that we have the ability to compartmentalize and keep things separate, they always have a way to seep into every part of our lives. Matter of fact it affected my temper and attitude towards my kids, looking back I regret that deeply. The way I was towards my kids at times was and is inexcusable. God entrusted my wife and I with these wonderful blessings, yet I did not treat them as such (my heart is aching typing this because I know just how poorly I was stewarding this blessing).
Yesterday I was searching through the YouVersion app for a verse to post and also keep on my phone to reflect on, it is 1 Timothy 6:11 "But you, Timothy, are a man of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness." Man did that verse hit home! RUN AWAY, RUN FAR AWAY from the evil things, seek righteousness! Praise God that He has been working on my heart, and drawing me closer to His heart. Praise God that His Son has continually pursued my heart even when I have been unresponsive to His love. Because of this love, and His constant pursuit, I have been able to turn tail and run; and the best part is instead of running to something that does not fill my heart, I am running to the One that holds my heart and sacrificed Himself so that I could be set free.
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